Ionam Fein
by Vitani FyreWolf
Summary: One of us, we knew, would be forced to accept it. Forced to watch the other die, to have to come to grips with the fact that one now existed without the other. …That burden fell on you.


A/N: Yes, another one-shot with an obscure Gaelic title that nobody can pronounce. It means "Inside Myself" for anyone who is curious. This idea hit me at 2 a.m., which was extremely inconvenient. Oh well. I think I did a really bad job with it, too, but I had to write it down. I was thinking... what if Trinity knew about Neo's death beforehand? And if she did, then was her own death a relief for her? This just explores that.

I hope you enjoy.

**Ionam Fein**

By Vitani FyreWolf

_When Death to either shall come -- I pray it be first to me._

- William Bridges

I knew you were going to die.

In a sense, I think you knew, too. After all, you had known about me.. about my first death, even though you had never spoken to me about it. You were worried, your dark eyes vulnerable when you looked at me, seeming to beg for reassurance. I tried to give it to you, but I did not know what it was you wanted, what it was that served as a thorn in your side. I didn't blame you for it – I trusted you so much. It was only after you brought me back did I realize what it was that troubled your dreams. It was easy to see in your eyes. That's the thing about you – you try so hard to keep the burden on your shoulders alone, but you are unable to guard your eyes against me. Perhaps you even think you can.

But I know you can't. So I shared it with you.

I did not let my own grief over your impending death reach my eyes when you could see it. I would let you think that I knew nothing of it. It was what you wanted; I'm sure, to leave me with some hope. Perhaps you were afraid that it would hinder me, slow me down, make me less careful, if I knew that you were soon going to be gone. But Neo, didn't you know? Any mistakes I could make would endanger you – and I would never allow that to happen. I'm sure you would have realized that yourself... but you wanted to do something to protect me. You always had, although I was always capable of protecting myself. I found, most surprisingly, that I didn't mind. Because I protected you, too. That's why only when I had my arms around you, your face pressed into my neck, did I allow my eyes to close with pain, my lips to be drawn tight against the welling of despair.

We had both been forced to lose the other first. However, we had refused to accept it – I knew you couldn't have died, because I loved you... and you would not let me go when you caught me falling in the Matrix, only a few nights before the end. It felt like ages, but no time at all, because it was the last time we had while living. So much suffering and love in those short days. Most people don't experience that depth of feeling in the whole of their lifetimes. In a strange sense, we were lucky.

One of us, we knew, would be forced to accept it. Forced to watch the other die, to have to come to grips with the fact that one now existed without the other.

...That burden fell on you.

I was so grateful. Grateful that I was allowed to go before, that I would not need to watch you die, would not need to know that my reason for being was no longer there. It may have been the most selfish thought I'd had since I met you. And I was sorry, for I hated when you suffered, and knew how I would feel in your place. Any hurt, for any reason, I had always felt I should keep you safe from. But I couldn't, it was an ideal that our life didn't allow for, had never allowed, despite our best efforts. We were surrounded by death and destruction. One of us had to go first, and it was my own good fortune that it was me. It's hard for me to give reason to the despair you felt, because like you, my instinct was to protect. It's just.. I had to protect you differently than I was used to.

It was, in a sense, a surprise. I had not thought of my death – I had known it would come, because yours was coming, and my life has for a long time been tied to yours. It just wasn't what I focused upon. Just as I'm sure you didn't care about your own dying... it was mine that shook you. Mine that left you with only one option. This realization took a moment, as I lay on the cold floor, hearing you call my name with increasing urgency. And then I knew.

And I smiled.

Like all your burdens, Neo, I shared it with you. Don't you know, that then, I took you with me? I took your heart away from the bitterness that lay ahead. You weren't in pain at the end, were you? You didn't feel the blows, the rain... didn't feel regret or fear when death finally came. That was what I did for you – the last thing I could do.

You said you couldn't do it without me. I listened to your grief-cracked voice, the voice I had heard whisper so softly to me when in those special times when no one was listening; and I said you could. Neo – I said you could because I couldn't tell you, I couldn't explain that you wouldn't _need _to. I had always helped you before. I wasn't going to stop then, even if you didn't see it.

I'm sorry I couldn't explain it to you then. You understand now.

I did not understand until I lay on the ground, speaking gently to ease your sorrow, that even if you did not sacrifice yourself... you would have died. Everyone would have died. At that moment, the world needed the One. Not Neo. Neo was to come with me. You needed it, needed this to make your own passing easier. You got up because I allowed you to. When we kissed, I wanted nothing more than to feel you for as long as I could, for all the time I had left. To turn those few seconds into the lifetime we had made out of six short months. But then, Neo, I realized that I could still feel you, even after my head had fallen back and you sobbed over my body. You were never alone. Neither was I.

Who died out there in the streets of the Matrix was not Neo, the awkward, gentle warrior who held my hand as though terrified I'd disappear, whose own hands knew my body better than his own. Who died in that final battle was the One, the being that was left behind, with only enough of my Neo left inside to see that the world was safe. I know you lost everything, I know that death was more of a relief for you than it had been for me. Because you were the one who had been cursed with being the last to die.

The path of the One ends. I took you as far along it as I could – but I gave you the ability to reach the end.

For the path of Neo... stayed with me.

So I smiled.

_What we have done for ourselves alone dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal._

_- Albert Pike_


End file.
